The straw that broke the camel's back...

I guess we all have breaking points and when we get close to them, pretty much anything can set them off. I have reached mine in relations to a certain someone and realize that sometimes you need to think about those in your life and if they are having a positive or negative impact...


Here is a string of emails between Kate and Stacie…start from the top.

Stacie,

I have been doing some thinking regarding your reaction to my question as to whether you were going to buy Jack and my appetizer and drinks on Tuesday night. Something about it made me uncomfortable.



Your reaction came across to me as surprised to the idea that you might owe us a couple beverages after the last time we went out, and I am not sure how that could be. When you came down to San Diego, you told me you were staying downtown and asked me to pick a place for dinner. Then, hinted that you wanted us to pick you up, as you didn’t have a car. Of course, for a friend, we more than definitely did not mind doing that. After getting lost on the way to pick you up, putting our time schedule about half an hour behind, your text messages to me notifying me of that fact were somewhat short. I let it go.



When we arrived at dinner, I asked what you guys were planning on drinking. You both didn’t know. I asked if you were planning on drinking wine, and you both said “sure.” So I asked if you would like to split a bottle of wine to make it easier. You both agreed. So I asked if you had a preference on what you wanted to order, and neither of you seemed like you had a preference. So I ordered a white, which Cole said sounded good, and the bottle of white I ordered was close to the cheapest bottle of wine on the list, but still good. You said yes when the waitress asked to bring another bottle. So did I. Mutually ordered.



Then we all ordered. You both insinuated that we should order appetizers and split them. Sounded great!



Maybe you don’t know this, but…On a double date, it is customary for a couple to split the cost of everything. On the rare occasion that the cost isn’t split at dinner, the other couple offers to buy the round of drinks up at the bar, the tip, dessert, or cover the tab at the next evening. You did offer to cover our expenses when we came up to Seattle. A real friend wouldn’t make the other friend actually bring it up again, so I am mortified that I am having to write this email.



At the end of dinner, I grabbed for the check to put my card in the bill, so as to cover my and Jack’s half. I expected Cole or you to also provide your card to split the bill. Instead of offering, you said “Oh, we won’t argue with you.” Then, we went upstairs.



I went to the bathroom with you, hoping that Cole would step up and cover the drinks that you guys ordered. I found out in the car on the way home that Jack paid for those, too. I am so thankful that he was such a gentleman about it.



I am being detailed about my explanation because I think you need to hear it. I honestly think that you don’t know that you did anything wrong. And I could not be more clear about my next point: I am not upset about the money.



I am upset that you were my friend. And I thought Cole was, too. And when I bring up the fact that hey, you guys offered to pay for the next time out, you approach it like you forgot. That really hurts. Quite frankly, I don’t have the energy.



I think you might have a misconception of how Jack and I live down here. We are a couple on a single income-mine. I do make good money, but I pay for all the expenses. Jack is a student. I am not saying we are destitute, by any means, we do quite well for our age. However, we are not head over heals above you guys. And even if we were, it is not your place to say if we can afford an entire evening. If you were concerned about the expensiveness of the restaurant, or not having to pay, you shouldn’t have asked to go out to dinner. You should have offered that we do something free if you weren’t planning on paying.



Mostly, I am embarrassed that Jack had to see that these are how my “friends” treat me. It is a special occasion when he has the opportunity to meet my friends. And the situation that you put me and him in was embarrassing to me.



I think it would be best if you didn’t come on Tuesday evening. I don’t want the evening to hold any negative connotation. I don’t want you to feel compelled to pay for us (I would have wanted you to offer, feel really good about it, and be excited to do it, like an actual real friend). Any of my friends would have reacted with an excitement to make the score even between us. And I am surprised that you did not. I am surprised that I had to bring it up.



Katelyn.





Kate:
When I read your message, i got ill and felt like it was a stab in my
heart. I really wanted to call you to talk to you about it, but after
talking with Cole and letting it really hurt me all day, I decided to
write you back.

I honestly think you may have misinterpreted my response. it was
supposed to be a sarcastic response, hence the "LOL." Of course we
didn't forget that we owed you a night out up here, why do you think I
have been trying to find out what night for so long? I wanted to make
sure that I had a night off for us to get together again because I
thought we all four had a good time out when we saw you last. We were
always planning on getting you back, and I was planning on getting you
guys back on Tuesday without you mentioning it, but after looking back
at our messages, you were the one that actually brought it up, not me.
I simply mentioned that Cole and I cannot be out until 1 am or bar
closing because we both work Wednesday morning. Yes, there is coffee,
yes, Cole can go to work a little hungover, but as a nurse, I have too
many responsibilities and liabilities to go to work hungover. I have
never done that, nor do I ever intend to do that, its part of the
professionalism I have. Also, I would never go to work with too little
sleep either, it just makes one unsafe in my work environment.

Cole and I are well aware of customs on double dates, we do them often
with others. If its cash only some places, whoever has cash at the
time gets one, we get the others back, we have done it with Tony and
Kelly; Ryan and Maggie, jimmy and Kelli, etc. for a few number of
years now. I would like to take a moment to defend a few things.
First, my texts were short in response cause I thought you might be
driving, and I was just excited to see you and go out and knew that it
meant less time for us with you because you and jack had other plans
that night as well. yes, we didn't have a car, but you seem insistent
on picking us up, and if it was a problem, I believe I told you we
could get a cab when initial plans were made. We had intended on
paying for half our bill at the restaurant, and I believe that Cole or
I reached for our wallet and you said "Oh no, our treat, you came all
the way down here." Cole and I don't play games, we are not ones to
argue, and assumed you were being generous and Cole and I planned to
pay for drinks and/or get you back up when you came up here. I am not
sure what Jack told you in the car on the way home, but Cole said that
he did try to pay for drinks, but Jack insisted; again, if one say" No
man, don't worry about," we take it literally and don't make a fuss.
It was in no way a show of disrespect and I think you are just over
analyzing everything way too much. We do consider you a friend, maybe
not as close as we once were, but still friends.

It really hurts that you don't even want Cole and I to show up on
Tuesday night. That was the part that really stabbed me in the heart.
Especially on top of everything that's going on up here with other
friends, it was not the best timing, of course that is not your fault
at all, please don't think I blame you for that. I have been doubting
myself, how i portray my self to others, and my friend worthiness all
day, and I just don't understand what brought you to all these
conclusions, which I think are simple over analyzed assumptions.

I would love to talk to you in person about it, even before Tuesday if
you have a chance. I really am sorry if we embarrassed you, there was
never any intention of that. Please take some time to understand
everything I have said, and know that I am truly sorry. If you still
don't want us to come, we will be hurt, and still a little confused,
but we will respect your wishes.

Stacie





Hi Stacie,

Sorry for the delay in my response. The past two days have been a whirlwind for us with traveling and such.

I think you did have a chance to defend my assumptions and misinterpretations in your response email. I have heard them and have been thinking about them.

I want you to know that I was a little irked but just fine with everything until I was first bothered by your facebook response (which can be explained with sarcasm), and then I heard what you and Cole said the other night at the gathering in Duvall, which I cannot explain. Rachel was thrown a little aback when you said to her, “I guess they think we owe them” and “I hope they don’t want us to take them to a place as nice as they took us”, etc...so she called me. I thought, especially in a group of people, that was a stab to me and made ME feel ill.

I felt so angry when I heard that, I needed to write you that email. Before that, I was honestly ready to let it go. In your facebook message to me, you had one tone that was “of course we know we owe you, don’t be ridiculous”, but in front of others, you had the tone of “can you believe they think we owe them.”

I know you will think this is another misinterpretation, but it is how I feel. I think we have been friends for too many years to not patch this up, but I don’t think that today is the day to do it. I don’t want tonight to be clouded with this subject. There are several people attending that want this to be a good time without any drama, including Jack (who couldn’t care less about this whole thing!). It really hurts me to say this, but I honestly think it would be best if you guys didn’t come tonight. Hopefully by the next visit we can have this healed and it can be a good time.

Xo, Kate.







SIDE COMMENT: As you can see…I was dragged into this and felt it was important to respond…(evidently I didn’t get any sleep last night) LOL





Rachel Salz Novembarrr 24 roundabouts 9:03 in the mornin'

Katelyn called me and to me that she emailed you today and that she mentioned me in the email. (And I just got your text)

If you want to talk about it we can (After work or something). I ended up putting myself in the middle anyway. I am not taking sides on this.

To me it really doesn't matter what was assumed and/or misinterpreted...the thing is how it made people feel. In a good relationship or friendship, to me it is important to understand that weather or not the feelings are justified or reasonable, they are still how someone feels.

People can either try to justify their actions and try to explain why/how the did what they did and what they meant by it, but no matter what...in the end they still made the person feel a particular way. Those feelings need to be respected and addressed.

FYI...if you had been drunk when you told me the stuff at Erics (right when I walked in the door), then I am sorry. The fact that I had drinks there has nothing to do with it (As i didn't say anything). The way that you and Cole talked came across very negative (Weather you intended to or not).

The reason that I don't need to hear your side of the story or even kate's side of the story is that even if you have some sort of justification for how you acted or what you said...it still hurt feelings. So you need to address the fact that (weather or not you did it on purpose..feelings were still hurt). I should have confronted you about your comments about Kate when we were at Eric's rather than telling them to her and for that I am sorry and make no excuses.

I am sorry for getting involved. I care about you both.

~Rachel



Stacie Birk Novembarrr 24 roundabouts 2:54 in the evenin' Reply

To be honest, Rachel, I don't even remember what I happen to say. Cole doesn't even remember saying anything. Honestly, I am not using it as an excuse, but you of all people should know that things get said unintentionally when drinks are flowing, and I had already been 3 strong drinks in with very little to eat that day. Again, my own doing yes, I will own up to that.

I would like to know what I said, and if it was loud or quiet, or what. I also would have expected you to call me out on something like that, cause then none of this would be going on. I feel like you did take sides by running to Kate without talking to me, and then to get me uninvited to a friends gathering. I can make it not awkward, I wasn't even planning on drinking a lot cause I have to work in the morning. I wasn't even planning o brining up anything bad as I know sometime I can be "Debbie downer." Friday night was going to be a night for Cole, Eric and Sherri and I to decompress and just vent about our feelings, as the news is being kept within our small circle of friends. I wanted you to know, in case I seemed down, you understood why.

I would like this to just all blow over and we can treat kate and jack to what we planned on. But that doesn't seem like that is going to happen.



Rachel Salz Novembarrr 24 roundabouts 3:26 in the evenin'

I am sorry that I came out. Jay invited me along and said other people were going to be there. I am sorry that I interrupted your time to be able to bitch/complain about your friends so freely. F' it...I do take Kate's side. done and done.

Your comments - you made a sarcastic comment to cole along the lines of "Oh by the way...kate says we owe them for when we were down there." Cole then responded with some comment about how he was happy that I was going to be there and that he hoped that they weren't expecting to go to as fancy a place as you guys took them. As you guys don't "roll" like that. Then you made a comment about how you don't go to as fancy of places like that. Well, I wondered if you though that maybe, just maybe they had taken you to a nice spot because they thought it was cool that you were down there and decided to splurge, not knowing that they were going to be paying for the whole F'ing night.

In all honesty...I think it is bullshit that you didn't pay for anything. Even if Kate and Jack offered to pay...not even something afterwards? the freakin drinkings? I don't care if kate hog tied you and stole your freakin purse...you still find a way to pay for something and don't take no for an answer. Kate's rent is almost as much as your mortgage, she has student loans, car payment and a single income. To allow someone to pay for an extravagant evening like that and not pay something back to them IMMEDIATELY is selfish and complete BS. I am sick of making excuses for you.

Maybe I have the story all wrong and maybe Jack and Kate came across differently...however at this point I don't really care.

I am pissed off, stressed out, tired, sick of the drama and could really give a crap about it all. Stop trying to make me feel about about something you did. Maybe I will regret this email later, but as it stands n ow...I really feel something needs to be said and don't really care.

~Rachel







Her response....




First:
Friday wasn't a night to bitch about friends freely. It was a night that we had planned with the 4 of us, and in light of the recent events, be able to relax, especially after spending all day with Kelly, not that I didn't love being with her. Someone else's depression can take its toll on me too and I make have taken it a little too much for myself, but all day I was imagining being in Kelly's shoes, and i could totally and entirely understand her feelings.

Second:
Yes, you do have it wrong about that night, We did offer to pay. Cole offered to pay for drinks and jack told him no. We had intended on paying our half, but it appeared that when Kate grabbed for the bill, she didn't want us to see it, and when w tried, she said our treat...can't remember exact words, it was a while ago and honestly, I had had some whine and rum and cokes poolside before they picked us up. It was never the intention for them to pay for the whole night. Cole and I always intended on taking them out, to club or something when they are up here this week, as to have a good time out and show Jack some of Seattle. I was a little thrown back that she planned it for a Tuesday night, I was hoping for a Friday or Saturday, hence why i didn't schedule myself this weekend and asked her weeks ago for a date.

Btw, Cole hardly makes much, my mortgage takes almost all one check, and with going back to days, I have suffered a huge pay cut. I too have enormous student loans, a car payment, and other self made debts and expenses. It was never intended to be an extravagant evening, for one couple to pay for the whole thing. We talked about it in the car when they dropped us off that we would take them out when they came up here, and we were very excited. Cole must have forgotten that the place was already picked out for tonight by his comment. And yes, maybe we did think they were a little bit of high rollers, they were going to a mansion party that same night. But whatever, no big. We had the money then, and we even have some for tonight.

I am not mad at you for coming out that night, or I wasn't then. Jay told Cole he was going to Pete's trying to get us to go, but Cole told him that we had plans with Eric and Sherri. We don't turn friends away when they show up. You just surprised us, that's all. As did dustin.

Yes, I apparently said stuff that I don't even remember, but will take the blame. It was all supposed to be even after tonight at Azuls, but now it gets to dwell longer. It would be water under the bridge, dust under the rug if you had just called me out on it right away in person.

Stacie


UPDATE: I have chosen to NOT comment back and leave it at that. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA...sometimes I wish I was a guy.